I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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