He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Randomize
