This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
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