Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
