i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
