he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
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