you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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