Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
