I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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