I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
