Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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