new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
