Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
