So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
