So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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