theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
