I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
