Tell her she can't have a vagina
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
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