u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
