Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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