I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Found the puke drawer
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Randomize
