Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
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he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
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Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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