I should be sponsored by Trojan
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.