All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.