he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
