Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
