As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
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