Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
dude i'm inner monologue high
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
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