from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
