Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
