i just wanna soil my oats bro
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
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Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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