my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
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