i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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