Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
