just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
i need to put some appletini on your dick
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
