My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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