Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
