It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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