I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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