Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
