i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
