They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
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She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
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In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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