Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Randomize
