I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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