when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
