I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
pray to the hookup gods
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
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