dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
