she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
