I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
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