Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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