I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
