apparently the secret to your success is patron
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
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