They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
He? As in you personified your dick?
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Randomize
