yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
