we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
