Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
