Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
